Dear You,
It’s been a while since I told you how much I love you. I know that’s probably difficult for you to understand because all you ever hear is how much I hate you. How much of a disappointment you are. How much more you should be doing. I only say that because at the end of the day, I’m comfortable in telling you, what I cannot admit to myself.
I know that you hate that I hate him. I only wish you could see how much I hate that you love him. That you don’t mind that he loves his bottle. That you don’t mind that he doesn’t love me. That you don’t mind that he doesn’t love you. You were my best friend. The one who sat on the kitchen floor with me and ate off of paper plates so that we didn’t have to set the table or wash any dishes. The one who permitted me changing my name to “Diamond Sparkle Princess” just as long as I would walk into my first day of preschool. The one who taught me independence by taking away ten percent of my allowance to be put in a bank account.
I hated you for trying to help me. I hated you for wearing ugly clothes and embarrassing me in front of my friends. I wish you had just told me that you shopped at AmVets so that you could afford to buy me the unnecessary clothes that I insisted upon having. I wish you had told me that you worked ten hour days to support my selfish spending habits. I wish you had told me that everything Daddy said about you was a lie. I wish you had told me that he didn’t want me so that I would stop trying so hard to impress the one person that just wanted me gone. I wish I had understood that the only thing you ever wanted was my love in return.
I know that my approval means nothing but just for the record, I love the pride that you exude when you wear your hard earned uniform of scrubs and tennis shoes. I love the way that no matter how often you dye your hair, you always have at least an inch of grey roots. I love the way that you try so hard to impress my friends, only to make a complete fool of us both in the process. I love the way that you drive 54 miles per hour on all surfaces, just so you can get 58 miles to a gallon. But most of all, I love the way that you love me. You love me when you have a good day or a bad day. You love me when you’ve never felt healthier and when you come home with the results of cancer. You love me when I accept your affection and when I slam doors in your face. You love me even when I tell you I hate you.
I just wanted you to know that regardless of the words that I constantly throw at you, my heart will always be half yours. Because I am, as a whole, half of you. I love you, Mom.
Love,
Your Daughter
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Pulse
Street lamps spill pools of illuminated anticipation
Across faces of the young and restless
The forbidden dances with the twinkle
That shines behind the eyes of insecurity
Intertwined fingers synchronize the pounding heartbeats of two
The presence of another
Keeps her head spinning full circle
Touches of fire leave charcoal trails of destruction
Along icy skin that yearns for the painful heat
The fear of repeated brokenness consumes her thoughts
As the aching need for another grasps his empty promise
The burden of her heavy heart
Weighs down his only arm free of the burning cigarette
Sweet smoke of shotguns
Pull the trigger that shatters her sensibility
Heavy breathing overcomes the distant screams
Of the blaring sirens that race down midnight highways
Gentle hands cradle the face of desire
She blinks away the visibility of her heart
Nervous vulnerability seeps through every tear
The bridges she needs to come back
Catch fire with every burning kiss
The unavailability of emotions
Verify the realistic possibility of regret
Forgotten pasts give way to inevitable futures
She jumps
With only the hope that he’ll be there to catch her
Across faces of the young and restless
The forbidden dances with the twinkle
That shines behind the eyes of insecurity
Intertwined fingers synchronize the pounding heartbeats of two
The presence of another
Keeps her head spinning full circle
Touches of fire leave charcoal trails of destruction
Along icy skin that yearns for the painful heat
The fear of repeated brokenness consumes her thoughts
As the aching need for another grasps his empty promise
The burden of her heavy heart
Weighs down his only arm free of the burning cigarette
Sweet smoke of shotguns
Pull the trigger that shatters her sensibility
Heavy breathing overcomes the distant screams
Of the blaring sirens that race down midnight highways
Gentle hands cradle the face of desire
She blinks away the visibility of her heart
Nervous vulnerability seeps through every tear
The bridges she needs to come back
Catch fire with every burning kiss
The unavailability of emotions
Verify the realistic possibility of regret
Forgotten pasts give way to inevitable futures
She jumps
With only the hope that he’ll be there to catch her
Mistress
Parked cars in dimly lit alleyways
Show her the dark side of growing up
Long drags on heavy cigarettes
Help her exhale all morality
Absentee girlfriends; so little they know
She fills the role of the things
He doesn’t get from the girl who wears his chain
She knows she means nothing to him
If only she cared
For the first time in a long time
Someone wants her
Even if he only wants her
Pushed up against the side of a car
Hair tangled through the pull of his hands
He bites down hard,
The taste of metal bleeds into the mix
Of smoke, cheap beer, and lust
Eager hands reach for acceptance
But only find skin deep satisfaction
Emptiness forgotten for the time being
Fulfillment found in all the wrong places
Lonely car rides home
Release the reality of solitude
Tears blur city street lights
To visions of color through kaleidoscope eyes
But she’ll never learn
His shallow touch is her only salvation
Show her the dark side of growing up
Long drags on heavy cigarettes
Help her exhale all morality
Absentee girlfriends; so little they know
She fills the role of the things
He doesn’t get from the girl who wears his chain
She knows she means nothing to him
If only she cared
For the first time in a long time
Someone wants her
Even if he only wants her
Pushed up against the side of a car
Hair tangled through the pull of his hands
He bites down hard,
The taste of metal bleeds into the mix
Of smoke, cheap beer, and lust
Eager hands reach for acceptance
But only find skin deep satisfaction
Emptiness forgotten for the time being
Fulfillment found in all the wrong places
Lonely car rides home
Release the reality of solitude
Tears blur city street lights
To visions of color through kaleidoscope eyes
But she’ll never learn
His shallow touch is her only salvation
Misguided Hearts
Neatly braided futures tangle into knots
Promises shatter like the frail glass
Of the bottles she keeps sipping from
Drinking from
Gulping from
Dying from
Fire burns blue blood flows bright red
Stains pleather seats of the shiny black pony
Breaks screech to a halt
Tears are pushed through tightly shut eyes
She knows they’re both there
Waiting. Judging. Hurting.
She opens and braces for their hatred
Loneliness suffocates her from every angle
Autumn breeze teases her with the summer scents now forever gone
Pictures burn holes through empty pages of unfinished photo albums
Tan lines fade to hide the white flesh
Once protected by the ring he wore
He lusts. She loves.
He trips. She falls.
He lets go.
She firmly grips the agony that rips her apart.
The emptiness is the only remaining element
That reminds that once
If even only for a while
She was whole
He searches for forgiveness within his reflectionShe finds solace in the brokenness that bonds them
Promises shatter like the frail glass
Of the bottles she keeps sipping from
Drinking from
Gulping from
Dying from
Fire burns blue blood flows bright red
Stains pleather seats of the shiny black pony
Breaks screech to a halt
Tears are pushed through tightly shut eyes
She knows they’re both there
Waiting. Judging. Hurting.
She opens and braces for their hatred
Loneliness suffocates her from every angle
Autumn breeze teases her with the summer scents now forever gone
Pictures burn holes through empty pages of unfinished photo albums
Tan lines fade to hide the white flesh
Once protected by the ring he wore
He lusts. She loves.
He trips. She falls.
He lets go.
She firmly grips the agony that rips her apart.
The emptiness is the only remaining element
That reminds that once
If even only for a while
She was whole
He searches for forgiveness within his reflectionShe finds solace in the brokenness that bonds them
Mistakes
My mistake for thinking that 5 pm on Friday
Was a real commitment
I guess I should have known that you had
Better things to do
Better women to do
What’s a little piece of jewelry on your hand mean anyway?
My mistake for thinking you could be honest with me
Your voice breaks as the right words just don’t fall into place
You choke on your lies as they fall from your lips
But you never lose face
For practice makes perfect
And practice you’ve had
My mistake for being jealous of her
And her
And her
And her
I should have known that no one could ever replace
Your ego
Exponentially growing with every insecurity
Every stripe on your stupid uniform
Every salute your receive with bravado
My mistake for thinking you could see me
For me
Instead you see her
Almond shaped eyes
Narrow bridged nose
Lips on the thinner side
Hips on the other side
The only difference is
I’m your daughter
And you’re supposed to love me
Indefinitely. Unconditionally. Forever.
But my mistake for thinkingThat you knew how to be a good dad.
Was a real commitment
I guess I should have known that you had
Better things to do
Better women to do
What’s a little piece of jewelry on your hand mean anyway?
My mistake for thinking you could be honest with me
Your voice breaks as the right words just don’t fall into place
You choke on your lies as they fall from your lips
But you never lose face
For practice makes perfect
And practice you’ve had
My mistake for being jealous of her
And her
And her
And her
I should have known that no one could ever replace
Your ego
Exponentially growing with every insecurity
Every stripe on your stupid uniform
Every salute your receive with bravado
My mistake for thinking you could see me
For me
Instead you see her
Almond shaped eyes
Narrow bridged nose
Lips on the thinner side
Hips on the other side
The only difference is
I’m your daughter
And you’re supposed to love me
Indefinitely. Unconditionally. Forever.
But my mistake for thinkingThat you knew how to be a good dad.
Orphan
Missed birthdays turn to
Friday evenings on the curb
Princess suitcase in hand
She waits
But all that meets her are made up excuses
Heat floods her cheeks
She will not cry
Big girls never cry
You said you’d come next week
So she dries her tears and unpacks the story she wrote for daddy
She stores it away in a box that
Will one day be filled with the presents she’ll never get to give
But for now,
She says her goodnight prayers alone
And turns on the night light that she needs to make sure
That Mommy isn’t leaving too
Because the only lesson he ever taught her was
Eventually, everyone leaves
Friday evenings on the curb
Princess suitcase in hand
She waits
But all that meets her are made up excuses
Heat floods her cheeks
She will not cry
Big girls never cry
You said you’d come next week
So she dries her tears and unpacks the story she wrote for daddy
She stores it away in a box that
Will one day be filled with the presents she’ll never get to give
But for now,
She says her goodnight prayers alone
And turns on the night light that she needs to make sure
That Mommy isn’t leaving too
Because the only lesson he ever taught her was
Eventually, everyone leaves
Sinful Antidote
Her mouth strains to protest
But her hands search for his love
Mouth dry
Clothes torn
Limbs entangled with sheets weave
Webs of misplaced trust
And stolen innocence
The poison sets in
Her inhibitions crumble
To faded regrets
She hates him for what she’ll remember
But pulls him in tighter
For what he lets her forget
But her hands search for his love
Mouth dry
Clothes torn
Limbs entangled with sheets weave
Webs of misplaced trust
And stolen innocence
The poison sets in
Her inhibitions crumble
To faded regrets
She hates him for what she’ll remember
But pulls him in tighter
For what he lets her forget
Inner Workings
“How does that make you feel?”
Please tell me that’s not what I’m paying for
Six words that have been recycled from the ears of one twisted patient
To the soul of another
Large black couches equipped with
Too many boxes of tissues
Four white walls display proof
Of too many years of education
And not enough living
“How does that make you feel?”
She musters every ounce of sincerity possible
But to be honest, she doesn’t care
She doesn’t understand
Bipolar disorder. Depression. Schizophrenia. Mania. PTSD. PMDD. BDD. MPD.
To her: letters, titles, labels
Prescriptions to be filled
Never experiences
Never feelings
Never real.
“How does that make you feel?”
Horrible. Useless. Worthless.
But I’ll never tell
She’ll never know
Because I’ve learned the questions
Answered them wrong and felt the repercussions
But now I know better
My words are well practiced
Every movement rehearsed
I’ll play the game if that’s what it takes
“How does that make you feel?”
Like this
Is a waste of
Time. Money. Breath.
Like you wouldn’t pretend to care
If it was not my name
That signed your checks
Like you would not feign sympathy if I was not penciled in your
Perfectly organized planner
“How does that make you feel?”
Like your soothing voice makes me cringe
And like the smell of your too clean office makes my stomach churn
But also like, I’ll keep writing those checks
Because in all honesty,
You’re the only one willing to even pretend to care.
Please tell me that’s not what I’m paying for
Six words that have been recycled from the ears of one twisted patient
To the soul of another
Large black couches equipped with
Too many boxes of tissues
Four white walls display proof
Of too many years of education
And not enough living
“How does that make you feel?”
She musters every ounce of sincerity possible
But to be honest, she doesn’t care
She doesn’t understand
Bipolar disorder. Depression. Schizophrenia. Mania. PTSD. PMDD. BDD. MPD.
To her: letters, titles, labels
Prescriptions to be filled
Never experiences
Never feelings
Never real.
“How does that make you feel?”
Horrible. Useless. Worthless.
But I’ll never tell
She’ll never know
Because I’ve learned the questions
Answered them wrong and felt the repercussions
But now I know better
My words are well practiced
Every movement rehearsed
I’ll play the game if that’s what it takes
“How does that make you feel?”
Like this
Is a waste of
Time. Money. Breath.
Like you wouldn’t pretend to care
If it was not my name
That signed your checks
Like you would not feign sympathy if I was not penciled in your
Perfectly organized planner
“How does that make you feel?”
Like your soothing voice makes me cringe
And like the smell of your too clean office makes my stomach churn
But also like, I’ll keep writing those checks
Because in all honesty,
You’re the only one willing to even pretend to care.
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